How to handle a narcissist

I asked Mats Ek today how to handle a megalomaniac psychopath. He concluded that I probably meant narcissist and the advice he gave were so great that I have to share them and expand on them. I also Storified the answer in Swedish.

Take don't take either positive or negative feedback too seriously.

Minimize contact. Do not make yourself dependent on this person.

There is no point in trying to improve their behaviour or in any way change them.

Their actions and relationship to you probably serves a goal of their own (and doesn't concern you as a person). You are seen as an aim to that goal. Therefore, their behaviour towards you may seem erratic and uncomfortable.

In order to understand the narcissist's behaviour towards you, you need to figure out what their goals are, that's the key. For this you probably need outside help.

On mansplaining

Dear man:

If you disagree with me, I would like to hear why. Not everything around the disagreement, which we agree on, but to the point about what you think I am wrong about and why. If I get the facts wrong you must correct me, I appreciate that. If you are truly an expert in a field, I really would like your opinion.

However; if we are having a discussion and you agree with me and you think I am right, I don’t want you to explain why you think I am right. I already know why I think I am right. I dont want you to describe the general situation for me. I don’t want you to help me making trivial predictions about the future. Unless I got them wrong or unless I asked you; I don’t want you to tell me the facts.

Because if we are in a discussion and you start giving me the basic description of how things (we basically agree on) really are two things happen:

I get bored really quickly

I get offended that you think I didn’t know this

So just don’t. I will be pissed off. I will most likely over-react and tell you to fuck-off, because I get this daily. Then you will have no idea about what is going on (because you tend to do this mansplaining unconsciously and automatically), you will feel hurt and you will utter phrases such as “But I thought we were discussing!”.

Discussing means that we present arguments to eachother. When you start to explain my arguments and their entire CV and future plans to me, we are no longer discussing. You are mansplaining.